i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
