I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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