You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Randomize
