I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
