I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
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