I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Randomize
