I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
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