what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
