I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Randomize
