so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
