it's too hot outside to masturbate.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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