It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Randomize
