mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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