Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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