Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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