Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
