HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
