How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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