there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
