Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
