the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
