i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
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