Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
