Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
