how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
