I faked an abortion last night.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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