My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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