Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
