my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
