I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
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