What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
