If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
