So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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