i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Randomize
