Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
