Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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