i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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