Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
please come you make the beer taste better
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
