My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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