I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
