She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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