New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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