i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Randomize