i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
