in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
