I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Randomize