Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
im six kinds of drunk right now
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
