the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
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