I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Randomize
