I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
the condom got lost in my hair
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
