even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
