If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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