The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Randomize
