Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
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