How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
